4. Engineering Jokes

• These jokes poke a bit of fun at those disciplines that have provided some many of the fundamentals of egineering. If anybody know of jokes from other disciplines, please let me know and I will add/link them.

• These have come from a variety of sources, all shamelessly reproduced, but if I knew more of the sources I would list them.

• Contributions by,

Frank Currie, who got them from Khawlah Zaki Munshi

Colin Moore

Rukshan Jayawardene

4.1 An Engineer, A Lawyer, and a.....

• A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate buildings. The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire and survives. The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

• Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this, and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

• A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. ...Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

• A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch." Sheldon Rosen and Anne Hamon

• Source: anonymous

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah; you're an engineer: you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of discomfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great! We've got ait conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake: he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

• Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “ticket please.”

• THE CASTAWAY ENGINEER

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

”I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

”Yes, I was, “ he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

”Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

”But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man.

”There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge-able ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.”

”To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” he said.

”Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded

dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

”It’s not much, but I call it home.” Inside, she said, “Sit down please;

would you like to have a drink?”

”No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!”

”It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, ”Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

”No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

”Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

”You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

”Tell me,” she asked, “we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven’t you been lonely, too...isn’t there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!”

”Yes there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well, it was impossible.” “Well, it’s not impossible any more,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean . . . .

. . . . . .you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!”

• Programmers Joke

A programmer, a mechanical engineer, and a manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep, winding, mountain road with many switchbacks, when suddenly the brakes failed. The car ran off the road, bounced down the mountain, rolled over a few times, bumped into some rocks, and finally stopped only a few feet from the road below. No one was hurt, but they had a problem. They were on a mountain with no brakes in the car.

“Let’s have a meeting,” the manager said. “Propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Mission Improvement focusing on our Core Business, find a solution to this Critical Problem.”

“No, no,” said the mechanical engineer. “That’s never solved anything. I’ve got two shirt hangars, half a roll of duct tape, and a Swiss army knife. Give me a few minutes, and the brakes will be good enough to get us to the nearest gas station.”

“Wait,” said the programmer. “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

4.2 Geeky References

• What do you get when you cross a goat and a mountain climber? Nothing........ a mountain climber is a scalar.

• Why does steak have more energy than hamburger? Because, hamburger is in its ground state.

• Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

4.3 Quips

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

4.4 Academia

4.4.1 Other Disciplines

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• One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math and wants to become a fireman. So the mathematician walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test." The firechief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire." The chief says, "That's great...perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and the finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire." The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?" The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

• A biologist, a chemist, and a physicist are taking a walk through the country when they come upon a cow. For some odd reason, none of them knew what it was. The biologist thinks for a second and then declares, "I know what that is. That's Bos Bovine." The chemist looks for a second and then says, "It's just a carbon-based life form, approximately 75% water, and the remaining 25% trace elements." The physicist stares blankly for a second and then says, "Well.... I guess we could approximate it as a sphere."

• A theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist, and a mathematician are all locked in separate rooms for a week with only 1 can of soup and are told that if they want to eat they must find a way to open the can. After 1 week the rooms were opened:

• The experimental physicist's room had multiple dents in the walls, with a few soup stains, showing how he had thrown his can against the wall until he figured out the exact angle needed to open the can. He then threw the can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup. The theoretical physicist's room was covered in equations and 1 dent in the wall, showing he calculated the exact angle needed to open the can, threw the can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup. The mathematician was found in his room seated on the floor with the unopened can repeating, "I define this can to be open!"

• MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

4.4.2 Faculty

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• Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and: would be sharp and flat respectively).

4.4.3 Students

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• Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college students.

10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.

7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5). The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.

4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3). Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1). Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

Chani Silverberg and Seth Pertain

• THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.

For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

• Source: Rukshan Jayawardene: The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

College sweatshirts are `casual' instead of dress-up.

Your parents charge rent.

Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

It's `getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m.

Three Words: School Loan Payments.

You make thousands of dollars a year: and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

You start eyeing the Light Beer section appreciatively.

Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end.

Your friends are discussing,

THEN: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;

NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Sneakers are now `weekend shoes'.

The letter from mom and dad now have portraits of their `other' grandchildren instead of cash.

Dinner and a movie: The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks.

The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

That weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you owned while taking classes.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

You empathize with the characters from `Friends'.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN.

Football season tickets go from $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season with the three other guys who get away from the family.

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, `I just can't put it down the same as I used to'.

You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.

4.5 Computers

• MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES... Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.

Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.

Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.

Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.

Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.

Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space: if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.

Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.

LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.

Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.

Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.

• Source: John DeJong

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.

Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,

I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,

Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,

Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"

One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,

Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.

The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,

>From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,

Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.

But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,

Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.

I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,

Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.

Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.

And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.

A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.

Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.

What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?

But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,

You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,

Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

• Support issues ...

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer”. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer: but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk: I couldn’t even fit it in...” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2” meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it’s cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

• At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,”Format C: Return.” Someone else chimed in: “Yes, Return” Unfortunately, the software worked.

4.5.1 Bill

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• Dear Abby: I am writing to your advice-column because of a serious problem I am facing. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft's Customer Service Division. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake-Aztec-souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my cousin who works for Microsoft Customer Service? Benjie Wolicki

• There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?" Chani Savet

• Subject: DIARY OF A DIGITAL HOMEOWNER

The (Future) Diary of a Digital Homeowner:

Nov 28: Moved in to my new digitally-maxed out Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like, totally wired.

Nov 30: Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degrees for my pizza. Everything nice & cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.

Dec 1: Had to call the SmartHouse people today about bandwidth problems. The TV drops to about 2 frames/second when I'm talking on the phone. They insist it's a problem with the cable company's compression algorithms. How do they expect me to order things from the Home Shopping Channel?

Dec 8: Got my first SmartHouse invoice today and was unpleasantly surprised. I suspect the cleaning woman of reading Usenet from the washing machine interface when I'm not here. She must be downloading one hell of a lot of GIFs from the binary groups, because packet charges were through the roof on the invoice.

Dec 3: Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the software. So the software company runs some remote tele-diagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone calls; more remote diag's. Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7: The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in. Go figure. Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet. Finally, I'm starting to suspect that the microwave is secretly tuning into the cable system to watch Bay Watch. The unit is completely inoperable during that same hour. I guess I can live with that. At least the blender is not tuning in to old I Love Lucy episodes.

Dec 9: I just bought the new Microsoft Home. Took 93 gigabytes of storage, but it will be worth it, I think. The house should be much easier to use and should really do everything. I had to sign a second mortgage over to Microsoft, but I don't mind: I don't really own my house now--it's really the bank. Let them deal with Microsoft.

Dec 10: I'm beginning to have doubts about Microsoft House. I keep getting an hour glass symbol showing up when I want to run the dishwasher.

Dec 12: This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen: WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18: They think they've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get PolterGeist. That one is really evil."

Dec 19: Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mud slides, yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!

Dec 21: I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers personally. "Sure," I tell him.

Yakov Horenstein

• Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

9. If I. . .Oops! I’m sorry, I goofed!

Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I’ve been typing in Bill Gates’ Business Plan.

• Windows 95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, stolen by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

• Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly: okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so: okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk: okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So .

It’s a bug.

[And that’s the truth ...]

4.5.2 Internet

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• Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test. Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

1. What do you think are good names for children?

a) Scott and Jenny.

b) Bill Gates IV.

c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

2. What's a telephone?

a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.

b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.

c) Something you plug into a modem.

3. Which punctuation is most correct?

a) I had a wonderful day!

b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!

c) I had a wonderful day :-)

4. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:

a) Visit the washroom.

b) Raid the fridge.

c) Check your E-mail.

5. What are RAM and ROM?

a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.

b) Hulking stars of the WWF.

c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

6. To avoid a virus you should:

a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.

b) Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".

c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

7. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:

a) Ask friends where to purchase it.

b) Check out the Yellow Pages.

c) Go to Yahoo!

8. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:

a) Call the retailer.

b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.

c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.

9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:

a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.

b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.

c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

10. How do you introduce yourself at a party?

a) Hi, I'm Jane!

b) Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.

c) Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.

11. When you're interested in someone at a party you say:

a) Tell me more about yourself.

b) What's your star sign?

c) What's your Profile?

12. If you really like the person, you say:

a) Could you tell me your phone number?

b) What's your E-mail address?

c) Let's chat Private.

13. When I say spam, you think:

a) Ham in a can.

b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.

c) I mailbomb all spammers!

14. When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:

a) I don't need another mug coaster.

b) Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.

c) Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

15. When you want to research a reference you:

a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.

b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.

c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

16. When you write a letter you:

a) Put pencil to paper.

b) Open Eudora.

c) Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?

17. Different types of text formatting include:

a) Writing and printing.

b) Underline and double-strike.

c) Bold and italic.

18. You correct errors using:

a) An eraser.

b) White-out.

c) Backspace or delete.

19. You sign your name:

a) Best regards, John Smith.

b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.

c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.

20. To keep a copy of your letter you:

a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.

b) Take it to the photocopier.

c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each "b" and 10 for each "c".

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life.

If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix of Net and reality.

If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.

4.6 OTHER STUFF

• Some legal oddities,

A Louisiana law upholds your right to grow as tall as you like.

Singing out of tune in North Carolina is against the law.

The laws of Portland, Me., do not allow one to tickle a girl under the chin with a feather duster.

A New York judge ruled that if two people behind you in a movie house are discussing the probable outcome of a film, you can give them a Bronx cheer.

It is illegal to lasso a fish in Knoxville, Tenn.

It is illegal to put tomatoes in clam chowder in Massachusetts.

In Nebraska, sneezing inpublic is prohibited by law.

The law prohibits unrestrained giggling in Helena, Mont.

A kiss can last no longer than one second in Halethorpe, Md.

In Baltimore, Md., it is against the law to mistreat an oyster.

In Denver, Colo., the law insists that dogcatchers notify dogs of impounding by posting a notice on a tree in the park.

The law forbids women in Oxford, Ohio, to undress in front of a photograph of a man.

In Cold Spring, Pa., liquor can be sold to a married man only if he has his wife's permission.

In Connecticut, the law states that if you are a beaver, you have the right to build a dam.

In Gary, Ind.m it is illegal to attend a theater within four hours of eating garlic.

In Owensboro, Ky., if a woman wants to buy a new hat, her husband must try it on first.

The legal punishment in Minneapolis, Minn., for double parking is being put on a chain gang and fed only on a diet of bread and water.

In Roderfield, W. Va., only babies are allowed to ride in baby carriages.

You are not permitted to swim on dry land in Santa Ana, Calif.

An old ordinance of New London, Conn., forbids actresses from appearing in public.

In Saco, Mo., hats which may frighten people are outlawed.

A Virginia law makes it illegal to have a bathtub in one's house.

It is illegal to mispronounce the name of the city of Joliet, Ill.

A 17th-century Massachusetts law forbade the selling of cakes or buns except on special occasions-contrived to keep women from gossiping over tea and cake. The crafty females circumvented the law and gave rise to New England's famous pies and doughnuts.

• Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friends mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friends filling, then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. AMAZING ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about... unless you have carpeting. Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted. Hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. After Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments: - Among them, Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousand of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaption of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much time to apply for rate increases. Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists have developed the laser, an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball, provided they remember to change the power setting from "Vaporize Bulldozer" to "Delicate." A N Agrawal

• From Colin Moore: GUINNESS, AND HERITAGE

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

• From Colin Moore

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He is seriously contemplating suicide and he doesn't know what to do. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the bible and it will tell you what to do." The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the bible. The wind rifles the pages of the bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the bible and sees what he has to do. Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit, The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."

• Source: Colin Moore

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers...like a telephone...on his hand and talking into his hand. The bar tender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bar tender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and `hands' his hand to the bar tender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender ... "I would never believe it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I'm really very hi-tech. I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bar tender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bar tender goes into the men's room. There is the guy... he is spread-eagle on the wall...his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god", said the bar tender, "Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says: "No, no,... I'm just waiting for a fax!"

• Source Ruckshan Jayawardene: Here's to all you `process thinkers'..... Enjoy. The answers are at the end of this message, but don't cheat.

1) The Elder Twin: One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers: Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party: A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Heaven: A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they died at the age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did he know?

5) Trouble with Sons: A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

6) The Man in the Bar: A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says `Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

SOLUTIONS:

1) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat then crossed the International Date line (or anytime zone line) and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February the 28th. In a leap year the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

2) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

3) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

4) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments!

5) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets etc.) This simple little puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

6) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups: so the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

• A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?” “I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob. ”Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

• CLASSIFIED ADS

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Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

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3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

• READ this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-

IC STUDY COMBINED WITH

THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count aloud the F’s in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE; do NOT go back and count them again.

ANSWER:

There are six F’s in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you’re above average. If you got five, You can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the OFs. The human brain

tends to see them as “V’s” instead of “F’s”.

• How to keep a healthy level of insanity in the workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (don’t disguise your voice)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (this is especially effective if your boss is a different gender then you are)

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. (“That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Baby Cakes.”)

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example, “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

6. Ask people to call you “Captain”

7. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle

8. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

10. Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

11. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

12. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

13. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

14. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

15. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN”.

16. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

17. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

18. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

19. Send e-mail messages saying “free pizza, free donuts etc...” in the lunchroom; when people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

20. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions, switch to espresso.

Another

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

• To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

• A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

• There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1

Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

• What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,

Civil Engineers build targets.

• An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

• An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

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